Last night, I was playing Mario Kart on the Wii with one of my friends from work, and I got to thinking: What if driving in real life was like this?
We could all ride go-karts around, while dressed as Nintendo characters. I think I would maybe be Luigi, since I have the facial hair for it. I would stock up on turtle shells and banana peels, and off I would go. People could throw random things at each other and bump into each other as they race around town. There are plenty of bad drivers out there who act like they’re in a demolition derby anyway; this would just make it exciting instead of frustrating, since everyone would be in on the fun.
Even a short trip to the corner grocery store could turn into an epic event, with people smashing into each other and shells flying left and right. If you’re lucky, you could pick up a star that will keep you safe for the otherwise treacherous journey, or pick up a mushroom that lets you boost past all of the destruction.
Of course, it wouldn’t be like Mario Kart unless the world itself was determined to set you off course. There would have to be ramps to jump your kart off of, along with pitfalls and bridges without railings to send you tumbling off of the track. Obscenely large Venus fly traps would be waiting to munch on you and your kart. And, of course, there would have to be some fireballs randomly flying about the road.
While it may seem like a dangerous way to drive, in Mario Kart, all of the characters always survive to finish the race. So even though your kart might be blown up, eaten, or lit on fire, you will always live to race another day and can drive like the maniac you always wanted to be. But, alas, we must live in a world without consequence-free driving and where we cannot throw turtle shells at each other. And so I must confine these driving fantasies to the small amounts of time I play Mario Kart.